<-- back to Scene Fourteen

SCENE 15 Before OLIVIA's house. Hijinx ensue.

Sebastian enters, pursued by Feste.

FESTE Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?
SEBASTIAN Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow: let me be clear of thee.
FESTE Well held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.

Nice going, kid, you almost have me believing that you're a guy this time. You're getting the hang of this.

SEBASTIAN I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else: Thou know'st not me.
FESTE Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strangeness

A missed jest, since it's not Viola: you know, take off that disguise I saw you decide to wear.

and tell me what I shall vent to my lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?
SEBASTIAN I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me: There's money for thee: if you tarry longer, I shall give worse payment.
FESTE By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report--after fourteen years' purchase.

Sir Andrew quicksteps up to them out of the audience, possibly with an 'Oh-HO!,' with Sir Toby and Fabian following close behind.

SIR ANDREW Now, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.

An effeminate backhand which is more a flick than a smack.

SEBASTIAN Why, there's for thee,

You're outnumbered and they've got the home team advantage, so the moves are non-lethal but quick and painful and disabling. First principles of street combat: eliminate the threat in a way that shows his friends you mean business, and take away the assailant's will to fight.

and there, and there. Are all the people mad?

Stepping in to hold Cesario's wrist at the hilt of his sword before he can draw. A nod to Fabian: get in front of Andrew and help me keep the two of them apart. Okay, stop that's enough, the game's over. The youth's in no mood to play anymore, fine, we expected this eventually -- so it's time to step in and buy the first round of drinks and defuse the situation as soon as possible.

SIR TOBY Hold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.
FESTE This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be in some of your coats for two pence.

Exit, and quickly: in spite of all of your teasing you like the youth, and since you were first responsible for bringing her out of danger, you're honor-bound to see her safely delivered from this latest mishap. Even if she doesn't seem to be in the mood to play with you right now, and even if she does seem to be holding her own in this brawl, two knights against one woman is hardly a fair fight.

SIR TOBY Come on, sir; hold.
SIR ANDREW Nay, let him alone: I'll go another way to work with him; I'll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.
SEBASTIAN Let go thy hand.
SIR TOBY Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron:

Realizing the youth seems to have grown an extra foot and somehow seems to have put on some muscle in the last ten minutes.

you are well fleshed; come on.
SEBASTIAN I will be free from thee.

Pulling free from Sir Toby, in a surprising show of strength considering how frail the youth seemed earlier. Drawing, with none of the nervousness they saw before.

What wouldst thou now? If thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.

Damn. You really didn't want this to turn into an actual duel, because the stakes are now much, much higher. Drawing, considerably less sure of yourself than before.

SIR TOBY What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.

This isn't how the game was supposed to play out. The youth's supposed to be scared of them. What the hell? A few phrases of fight, enough for Sir Toby to begin to lose, and lose badly.

OLIVIA Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!

Possibly smacking the sword out of his hand and then smacking him across the face, a blow the knight could requite from anyone other than a female family member. [Still, it does end the fight honorably for the Lady of the house to take his sword and halt the proceedings, a deus ex machina card Sir Toby is unbelievably lucky to have been dealt.]

SIR TOBY Madam!
OLIVIA Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch, fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves, where manners ne'er were preach'd! out of my sight!

Sir Toby, deflated, turns and walks out. Definitely out of sorts but also quite relieved: you were losing the fight and if Olivia hadn't intervened, you were probably going to be killed. Over a joke. And with the relief, there is considerable shame: there was a time when you wouldn't have needed a woman's help to survive a fight. Soul-searching time. What the hell have you done to yourself and why the hell have you done it? God, you want a drink. But you've got a sneaking suspicion you very definitely shouldn't have one.

Be not offended, dear Cesario.

Sebastian is perplexed. He's used to babes throwing themselves at him, but never quite so literally. Who's Cesario? Mmm, she smells nice.

Rudesby, be gone!

To Sir Andrew, who's lollygaging in a "see, didn't I tell you she favored the youth?" kind of way.

I prithee, gentle friend, let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway in this uncivil and thou unjust extent against thy peace. Go with me to my house, and hear thou there how many fruitless pranks this ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go: do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me, he started one poor heart of mine in thee.
SEBASTIAN What relish is in this? how runs the stream? Or I am mad, or else this is a dream: let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep; if it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
OLIVIA Nay, come, I prithee; would thou'ldst be ruled by me!
SEBASTIAN Madam, I will
OLIVIA O, say so, and so be!

[They exit together.]

Lights out, and the garden set is switched for a prison set (the garden tresses are reversed, and are now prison bars).

--> on to Scene Sixteen

Twelfth Night Annotated Script © 2001 Kevin M. Hollenbeck.
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