<-- back to Scene Thirteen SCENE 14a OLIVIA's garden. Malvolio's affliction revealed.
[Olivia trying to fix her hair and makeup, looking in a {PROP: mirror} mirror Maria holds, in a frenzy of junior prom proportions.]OLIVIA I have sent after him: he says he'll come; How shall I feast him? what bestow of him? For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd. I speak too loud. Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil, And suits well for a servant with my fortunes: Where is Malvolio?
MARIA He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He is, sure, possessed, madam.Genuine concern here. If you were in a city, an infection could be easily treated: in the wilderness it can kill. Possession is nothing to sneeze at, given that there's neither mission nor hospital out here in the boonies. He's one of the only male authorities you have left, so you really can't afford to lose him, as difficult as he is sometimes.
OLIVIA Why, what's the matter? Does he rave?
MARIA No. madam, he does nothing but smile: your ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.
OLIVIA Go call him hither. [Exit Maria.] I am as mad as he, if sad and merry madness equal be.[Re-enter Maria, with Malvolio.]
How now, Malvolio!
MALVOLIO Sweet lady, ho, ho.The grin of, quite literally, a predator. Eek.
OLIVIA Smilest thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
MALVOLIO Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some obstruction in the blood, thisFrom underneath the robe comes, indeed, the cross-garters.
cross-gartering; but what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and please all.'
OLIVIA Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
MALVOLIO Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.Pun: roamin' hand. Nowhere too ingracious, but quite out of character (perhaps simply down her arm as he kisses her hand).
OLIVIA Wilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
Roger Rabbit time. Jaw to the ground, Tongue to the floor. If it's this easy, what the hell has he been waiting for?
MALVOLIO To bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.
OLIVIA God comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss thy hand so oft?
MARIA How do you, Malvolio?You've been staying out of it and biting your lip to keep from laughing, but now things are getting a little too frisky. Best to step in and nudge things along.
MALVOLIO At your request! yes; nightingales answer daws
MARIA Why appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
MALVOLIO 'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.And will you please dismiss your attendant so we can get busy?
OLIVIA What meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
MALVOLIO 'Some are born great,'--
OLIVIA Ha!
MALVOLIO 'Some achieve greatness,'--
OLIVIA What sayest thou?
MALVOLIO 'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'Wink wink nudge nudge say no more say no more.
OLIVIA Heaven restore thee!
MALVOLIO 'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings,'-
OLIVIA Thy yellow stockings!
MALVOLIO 'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'
OLIVIA Cross-gartered!
MALVOLIO 'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'--
OLIVIA Am I made?
MALVOLIO 'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'
OLIVIA Why, this is very midsummer madness.[Enter Feste.]
FESTE Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he attends your ladyship's pleasure.
OLIVIA I'll come to him. [Feste exits.] Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.[Exit Olivia and Maria.]
MALVOLIO O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter.
Pulling out the now well-worn, dog-eared letter.
'Cast thy humble slough,' says she; 'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity;' and consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her;
Eww.
but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this fellow be looked to:' fellow!
Utterly triumphant. Fellow! Whoa!
not Malvolio, nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance--What can be said?
"I know not what," perhaps. Literally blithering, now, and running out of metaphors.
Nothing that can be can come between me and the full
prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.SCENE 14b Sir Toby, Fabian, and Maria confront Malvolio and Sir Andrew presents his challenge for Cesario.
[Re-enter Maria, with Sir Toby and Fabian. None of them are able to keep a straight face longer than each of their lines, and most of the longer ones require biting their lips at least once.]
SIR TOBY Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
FABIAN Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir? how is't with you, man?
MALVOLIO Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go off.
MARIA Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! Did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
MALVOLIO Ah, ha! does she so?
SIR TOBY Go to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how is't with you? What, man! defy the devil:SOUND: churchbell, as Sir Toby, Fabian, and Maria all hold up crosses.
consider, he's an enemy to mankind.
MALVOLIO Do you know what you say?
MARIA La you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!
FABIAN Carry his water to the wise woman.Eww. You carry it, I'm not gonna carry it. Let's get Mikey!
MARIA Marry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.
MALVOLIO How now, mistress!
MARIA O Lord!Losing it, and ducking behind Sir Toby in "fear."
SIR TOBY Prithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do you not see you move him? let me alone with him.
FABIAN No way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used.
SIR TOBY Why, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?
MALVOLIO Sir!
SIR TOBY Ay, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang him, foul collier!
MARIA Get him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
MALVOLIO My prayers, minx!
MARIA No, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
MALVOLIO Go, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow things: I am not of your element: you shall know more hereafter. [Exit]They've been holding it in a good while, and now they have a chance to let it out. The trio collapses with laughter.
SIR TOBY Is't possible?
FABIAN If this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.Beat: naah.
SIR TOBY His very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
MARIA Nay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
FABIAN Why, we shall make him mad indeed.
MARIA The house will be the quieter.
SIR TOBY Come,Contemplating the cross...
we'll have him in a dark room and bound.
Fabian and Maria double-take. Whoa. We were just having fun with him. You're talking about assault and kidnapping. [Actually, for missionaries in a colonial province, this would be standard operating procedure for a possession; it's the gag with the crosses that gave Toby the idea.] Toby presses on. If his honor is going to be questioned by a steward, he's bloody well going to have his revenge.
My niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him: at which time we will bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a finder of madmen.
Maria's suddenly not sure she wants the honor. Oh good, you mean when they ask you who did this to him you'll be pointing at me?
But see, but see.
[Enter Sir Andrew out of the audience, filled with braggadocio.]
FABIAN More matter for a May morning.
SIR ANDREW Here's the challenge, read it: warrant there's vinegar and pepper in't.
FABIAN Is't so saucy?
SIR ANDREW Ay, is't, I warrant him: do but read.You are George W's press secretary, and you've got to grammar-check his latest speech. You lucky bastard.
SIR TOBY Give me. 'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'
FABIAN Good, and valiant.At each of these turns, Sir Toby is agog with fatigue at his apprentice's bad argument, syntax, spelling and grammar, but it's Fabian who presses on with the jest.
SIR TOBY 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'
FABIAN A good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
SIR TOBY 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'
FABIAN Very brief, and to exceeding good senseNot.
--less.
SIR TOBY 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,'--
FABIAN Good.Yeah, do us all a favor.
SIR TOBY 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'
FABIAN Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.
SIR TOBY 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,Read this as though even the spelling of his name is wrong.
ANDREW AGUECHEEK.' If this letter move him not, his legs cannot: I'll give't him.
MARIA You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
SIR TOBY Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him.Punching him in the arm, which causes Sir Andrew to wince. Sir Toby rolls his eyes: this last bit as much in genuine disgust as feigned enthusiasm.
Away!
SIR ANDREW Nay, let me alone for swearing. [Exit back into the audience, rubbing his sore arm, preening like a rooster.]
SIR TOBY Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a clodpole.Tearing up the letter, pondering for a moment, and then back to the sly jestmeister we've come to know.
But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity. This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.
[Re-enter Viola, with Olivia close behind.]
FABIAN Here he comes with your niece: give them way till he take leave, and presently after him.
SIR TOBY I will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.[Maria takes up her position as Olivia's attendant, as Fabian and Sir Toby set themselves down by the musicians.]
SCENE 14c The duel between Cesario and Andrew; the duel between Andrew and Antonio; the arrest of Antonio.
Regarding the honor at question and the combat in this and the following scenes: essentially, knights have certain obligations regarding how they are to draw upon others, and public brawling is forbidden by edict. Fabian and Sir Toby are able to put swords into the hands of Sir Andrew and Cesario and push them together into a fight without calling honor into question, because they aren't going to really fight and they didn't actually challenge each other. When Antonio takes Viola's sword and speaks a challenge to Sir Andrew and when Sebastian draws upon Sir Andrew in 15, it's a far different matter: Sir Toby must step in and fight for Andrew.
OLIVIA I have said too much unto a heart of stone and laid mine honour too unchary out: there's something in me that reproves my fault; but such a headstrong potent fault it is, that it but mocks reproof.
VIOLA With the same 'havior that your passion bears goes on my master's grief.Trying really, really hard to find a way out of this. If you could just deflect the passion she has for you towards him, you would... well, you would really mess up your own heart. Talk about a lose-lose scenario.
OLIVIA Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture; refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;
She puts another [PROP: locket] picture on a necklace over Viola's head, then takes a moment to contemplate the second locket around her neck. Who, damnit? Who else claims your heart? Viola turns away, again, to leave into the audience.
and I beseech you come again to-morrow.
Viola turning back to Olivia out of sheer frustration, her eyes frantic and searching, looking everywhere but at her.
What shall you ask of me that I'll deny, that honour saved may upon asking give?
VIOLA Nothing but this; your true love for my master.
OLIVIA How with mine honour may I give him that which I have given to you?
VIOLA I will acquit you.
OLIVIA Well, come again to-morrow: fare thee well:
a fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell. [Exit, in tears, with Maria.][Viola starts to finally cross into the audience, holding her head like a stunned monkey (why, God, why?) when she's intercepted by Sir Toby and Fabian, coming out of the music circle.]
SIR TOBY Gentleman, God save thee.
What? Oh. Yeah. Right. Me. The gentleman. What a great idea that was. What the hell was I thinking?
VIOLA And you, sir.
Music: military cadence on the drum(s), as ominous as possible. A heartbeat that gets ever faster as Fabian and Sir Toby turn up the tension; each cross of theirs between the "combatants" should be that much faster than the one before.
SIR TOBY That defence thou hast, betake thee to't:
For this next bit, Sir Toby and Fabian keep trying to dress Viola in a fencing jacket and mask and gloves, and she keeps fighting them and taking the garb off: if she doesn't put on the armor they can't really ask her to fight. Once the fight starts to sound truly inevitable, she reverses, and spends her energy putting on the jacket and gear and making sure every seam is sealed properly.
of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end:
At this, Sir Andrew steps up onto the furthest riser in the middle of the audience, and, as he was instructed by Sir Toby, draws and swears horribly. Actually, he swears, ["DAMNIT!"], tries to draw, gets his sword stuck in his scabbard, and then ends up swearing even more horribly as he tries to extricate himself. ["Damnit damnit DAMNIT damnit DAMNIT!"] Fabian goes out to help Sir Andrew free himself.
dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.
VIOLA You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man.
SIR TOBY You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.
VIOLA I pray you, sir, what is he?
SIR TOBY He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement at this moment is so implacable, that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.
VIOLA I will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that quirk.
SIR TOBY Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury: therefore, get you on and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on, or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.Her fencing jacket has been put on over her scabbard, and now she can't get her sword out. Sir Toby tries to help, but gets poked by the scabbard in the process, a moment alluded to in his next line.
VIOLA This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what
my offence to him is: it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.
SIR TOBY I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.Sir Toby exits into the audience, passing Fabian on the way back. Their movements are slow and formal and ritualistic, until they get near each other, at which point the façade drops for a moment until they reassert their straight faces.
VIOLA Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
FABIAN I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.
VIOLA I beseech you, what manner of man is he?
FABIAN Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour.Albeit he doesn't look frightening as much as he's just plain scary, in a street preacher sort of way.
He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I can.
VIOLA I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle.Again, Sir Toby and Fabian swap places, perhaps with a stifled laugh as they pass, then formally clearing their throats and proceeding to the other position.
SIR TOBY Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.
SIR ANDREW Pox on't, I'll not meddle with him.
SIR TOBY Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.Actually, Fabian can scarce keep her from running away. A grab by both arms, swinging her around and forward onto the duel line. Stark, raving terror on Viola's face, perhaps the catatonia of shock as well.
SIR ANDREW Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
SIR TOBY I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls. [Aside] Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.Again, they switch places, slowly and formally.
I have his horse to take up the quarrel: I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.
FABIAN He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.As Fabian reaches Andrew, it's Andrew who attempts to run away, and Fabian must grab him and turn him about as well.
SIR TOBY There's no remedy, sir; he will fight with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw,
Actually, (and this is a technicality which makes all the difference), it's Sir Toby that draws the sword, puts it in her hand, and points her towards Sir Andrew.
for the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
VIOLA Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
FABIAN Give ground, if you see him furious.
SIR TOBY Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you; he cannot by the duello avoid it:Again, Sir Toby is the one to draw the sword, put it in his hand, and point him towards Cesario. He can swear before a judge later, if he has to, that this wasn't actually a duel. Technically, it wasn't.
but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on; to't.
SIR ANDREW Pray God, he keep his oath!
VIOLA I do assure you, 'tis against my will.[Sir Toby starts the fight by crossing their swords and also serves as referee. A comic battle ensues in which no blow lands where it is meant but many which are accidental find their marks. Neither combatant is punctured or sliced in the process.]
[Enter Antonio, calling out of the audience.]
ANTONIO Put up your sword.
Taking Viola's sword and stepping between her and Sir Andrew. I was afraid this might happen. At least I'm not too late to save Sebastian from being stabbed.
If this young gentleman have done offence, I take the fault on me: if you offend him, I for him defy you.
SIR TOBY You, sir!Stepping in front of Sir Andrew just as Antonio stands in front of Cesario.
why, what are you?
ANTONIO One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more than you have heard him brag to you he will.
SIR TOBY Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.Sir Toby takes Sir Andrew's sword, and starts a rather rash fight with Antonio. This fight is different because they actually have a chance of hurting one another.
[Enter Officers]
FABIAN O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.
SIR TOBY I'll be with you anon.Sir Toby and Antonio drop the swords on the ground. [Unless the soldiers and Antonio all happen to be played by combatants, in which case Antonio might just go ahead and try to fight his way to freedom with Viola's sword until being subdued.] Sword fight? What sword fight?
VIOLA Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
SIR ANDREW Marry, will I, sir;They pick up the swords, realize they have the wrong ones, trade them, and sheath them.
and, for that I promised you, I'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily and reins well.
Double take. He who? What rains well? Huh?
First Officer This is the man; do thy office.
Second Officer Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.
ANTONIO You do mistake me, sir.
First Officer No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
though now you have no sea-cap on your head.Antonio is shackled.
Take him away: he knows I know him well.
ANTONIO I must obey. This comes with seeking you:Checking behind her. Me? Who are you?
but there's no remedy; I shall answer it.
Hint, thud, hint. This is the part where you speak up and help me? Hello?
What will you do?
Hint, hint, thud, hint, thud thud thud. Okay, fine, make me come out and say it.
Now my necessity makes me to ask you for my purse. It grieves me much more for what I cannot do for you than what befalls myself. You stand amazed; but be of comfort.
Second Officer Come, sir, away.
ANTONIO I must entreat of you some of that money.
VIOLA What money, sir? For the fair kindness you have show'd me here, and, part, being prompted by your present trouble, out of my lean and low ability
I'll lend you something: my having is not much; I'll make division of my present with you:Spilling some coins into her hand.
hold, there's half my coffer.
ANTONIO Will you deny me now?Knocking her hand away, spilling the coins.
Is't possible that my deserts to you can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery, lest that it make me so unsound a man as to upbraid you with those kindnesses that I have done for you.
VIOLA I know of none; nor know I you by voice or any feature: I hate ingratitude more in a man than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness, or any taint of vice whose strong corruption inhabits our frail blood.
ANTONIO O heavens themselves!
Second Officer Come, sir, I pray you, go.
ANTONIO Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death, relieved him with such sanctity of love, and to his image, which methought did promise most venerable worth, did I devotion.
First Officer What's that to us? The time goes by: away!
ANTONIO But O how vile an idol proves this god thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame. In nature there's no blemish but the mind; none can be call'd deform'd but the unkind: virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil.
First Officer The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.Finally crushed: the fight has left you.
ANTONIO Lead me on. [Exit with Officers into the audience.]
VIOLA Methinks his words do from such passion fly, that he believes himself: so do not I. Prove true, imagination, o, prove true, that I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!
SIR TOBY Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we'll whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.They withdraw into a huddle.
VIOLA He named Sebastian: I my brother know yet living in my glass; even such and so in favour was my brother, and he went still in this fashion, colour, ornament, for him I imitate: O, if it prove, tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love. [Exit into audience.]
SIR TOBY A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.
FABIAN A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
SIR ANDREW 'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.
SIR TOBY Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.Andrew may be a fool, but he's still a knight, and a challenge is a challenge. If Sir Toby and Fabian put swords in their hands and push them into an arena, it's a game and they get to laugh about it and then go out for drinks afterwards. If one of them actually draws on the other, it's a formal challenge and someone has to die.
SIR ANDREW An I do not,--
FABIAN Come, let's see the event.
SIR TOBY I dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.[They follow them into the audience.]
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